Chaos
© BY YOUR SIDE by DELAFOI
You're right.
My need for routines is a way to control my chaos. It's how I keep it intact and asleep. It's my method, my technique, and my defense system, all carefully calibrated for maximum control because I'm afraid of what will happen if it wakes up.
Who will I become if I let it all out?
It's not easy to admit, but I quickly get stressed out. By life. By all imaginary things expected of me. And I get blinded by fear. Fear of opening up. Fear of being overwhelmed. Fear of who I will become in the hands of love.
I've got bad memories of chaos. To me, it's been a battlefield of death and destruction. To me, chaos was a war I once deserted, thinking I'd be saved if I went the opposite way. And I've been working so hard to create a path to freedom by eliminating all distractions that I ended up building a road to jail.
“Hell is paved with good intentions.”
And "Hell is paved with good intentions". You're never going to free fall without giving yourself time to jump, and it's not going to be a deep dive if you think you're obliged to return to the surface constantly.
There's no room for God if all eyes are on the next thing on the Devil's list.
I don't like to be isolated, and I don't really want to be left alone. I want to be a part of it all, of everything that life has to offer. I'm not here to miss out. On anything. But so far, God doesn't speak to me when I'm busy doing other stuff. He wants my full attention. Without compromise. He's not into small talk. He doesn't do chit-chat. It's all or nothing. And I'm left in no-man's-land. Isolated and left alone, in a routine manner with lots of time, afraid of God's chaos.
You said there are no options. There are no doors, no paths, no choices. There are no steps to take, no method, no rules, and no guidelines.
You said it's everything. It's universal and creative. And if you're fortunate, it will grab hold of every cell in you, like radio waves filling your very being.
It's chaos.
I can see that now. True chaos is life, love, and God. The rest is just "chaotic", and I've fooled myself into thinking they're the same.
Chaotic is a bypass, an inclusionary shortcut to self-destruction. It needs to be defended, explained, and excused. And as soon as you do, you're on the wrong side of the fence, just as every claim of being spiritual will kill every grain of spirituality.
True chaos is the mother and the birth of all and nothing. She sits on the throne between the father and the son, and one needs to be humble to her power. She’s not what you want her to be. Or even what you think she is. She’s everything else.
And I realize I've mistaken one for the other.
