I Am A Coward
© TRIBE [The Thin Wild Duke] by DELAFOI
Tonight I'm a coward pretending to be brave.
Tonight I'm in disguise, hiding in the shades of this charade while turning insecurity into anger and frustration into rules. I wish I could be the man you tell me that you see. I wish I could be brave. Like you.
But tonight, all I can do is pretend.
It's not easy to get up if you never learned how to stand, and it's not easy to find your way if you don't know where you are - or where to go. And tonight, I am a coward. Afraid of falling, afraid of the unknown.
I get anxious before I speak. Freeze when I'm trying to explain. With the fear of being exposed, I reach down for the loaded guns, bringing up the full force of persuasion, only to stumble among harsh words, stepping on both hearts and souls.
I've seen my true calling, but I pretended not to hear out of fear it would make too much noise. The dammed river already roars with the voice of a thousand waterfalls, and once the gates open, I dread not only the flood but also how unbearably naked I need to be to make the jump.
I hear the hymns. Every day. I can feel the roots of my tribe trying to help me stand tall. And I hear God knocking, asking, wondering, are you brave enough?
But tonight, I am a coward.
Because she's overwhelming, and her voice takes my breath away. I try to speak, but I crumble with every word. I try to answer, but my prayers can't be heard. All that's left are thoughts I dare not say.
I reach as far as I can through the bars of this cell, but she slips through my fingers every time. And from a distance, I hear the legion of greedy vultures coming closer. The ones who try to own her. The ones who try to make her theirs. The ones who speak like everybody is listening. And I know it has to stop.
But tonight, I am a coward.
I know my time is short, and I know this place is sacred, and maybe tomorrow I won't be afraid? Maybe tomorrow, I'll let the noise be as loud as possible. And if there's a flood, I'll let the water come deep. I'll be naked with the truth as my clothing. And if I fall, I will fall into her arms. Maybe tomorrow, I won't hide in silence, and maybe, I won't let them steal my God away from me.
I'm only blind if I refuse to see, and I'm only deaf if I pretend I can't hear. All of my fears are mine to carry, and I'm only a coward if I let those greedy vultures stand in my way. Because a brave man dares to tread the path that scares him, that's what makes him brave.
And maybe tomorrow, I'll be all of that.
Amen.
